"October 1st. And unless you've been living under a rock, you know that today is the beginning of "Breast Cancer Awareness Month".
I've been complimented on my positivity in facing this disease. I try, and my new philosophy is that unless you can joke and find humor in your life, regardless of what is handed to you, you will become nothing if not a bitter and hateful person. But today, the first day of a month to become aware of something I'm aware of every damn day, I get to be angry.
I'm angry that I have breast cancer.
I'm angry that in 2 weeks I will have both my breasts removed. I'm angry that I can't reconstruct. I'm angry that I'm having lymph nodes removed. I'm angry I may face a lifetime of lymphedema. I'm angry that I face a lifetime of being maimed. I'm angry that I still feel my cancer, my tumor, every day because it never went away.
I'm angry that it's taking away everything about me that is feminine. I'm angry that it took my long hair, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my nails,and now my breasts. I'm angry that I look nothing like I used to.
I'm angry that I'm leading my family into the poorhouse. I'm angry that we make too much to qualify for assistance, yet not enough to be able to pay my medical bills. I'm angry that my insurance company says I met my deductible, but that my cancer bills are above reasonable costs which leads to even more outrageous costs.
I'm angry that my son is having to grow up too fast. I'm angry that my son knows too much about cancer. I'm angry that my son had to cry to me yesterday because, after my surgery, my hugs won't feel the same. I'm angry for what it's done to my family. I'm angry that my husband is having to drop everything to take me to doctors and hospitals. I'm angry that we'll be "celebrating" our 10th wedding anniversary with me in bandages. I'm angry that my parents are having to see their daughter sick.
I'm angry that I'm having problems planning for the future. I'm angry that I feel like I can't think in terms of years. I'm angry that, when my husband says "Let's plan on doing this in two years", in the back of my mind I wonder if I'll be here in two years. I'm angry that I may not get to enjoy my retirement with my husband. I'm angry that I may not get to see my children grow up. I'm angry I may not get to see my granddaughter grow up. I'm angry I may not get to meet my future grandchildren.
I'm angry. I hate cancer."
~Janelle Wade